You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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