ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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