did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
