my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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