I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
