he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
