just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
