remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
