I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
