I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When did angry sex become our thing?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
