I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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