OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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