Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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