So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
