I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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