I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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