what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
