The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we should paint friendship bongs
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