It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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