quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
