No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
