I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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