i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
