clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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