I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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