I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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