I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
