Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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