If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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