Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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