More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
