I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He passed out mid-signature
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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