our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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