After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
