Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
