she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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