So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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