a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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