He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
