If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
