Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
