I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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