If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
