I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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