Redeem this text for a blowjob
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What drink are we having for lunch?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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