Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
