Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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