i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
