I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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