GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
