how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
