I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
