We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
