The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
