i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Randomize
